Just something that passed my mind...

It all started with me sitting in the train, heading home. I just wanted to write the thoughts which came to me down; I wanted to sort the chaos out.

So I sat there, listening to Avril Lavigne's “When You're Gone”, which always makes me feel a bit nostalgic and sad.
At the main station a former teacher of me came in and sat down a few seats away from me. He sat on the opposite side, so I could see his face.
And I began to realize how old he had become. He taught german whilst I was in grades 5 to 7, so he was part of my “new life” at the new school, the secondary school.

I can still remember his favorite pullover he used to wear in winter, his twinkles when he caught somebody talking during the lesson and his jokes, when he tried to illustrate the german grammar.

That was my favorite teacher, these times I really loved the subject. I was sitting in class, looking at my timetable and really went like “Yaaaaay, german is next, can't wait!”.

Though I wasn't easy to handle in class. I often forgot my homework and I often talked and disturbed in class. Now I feel sorry about it, because then, in my safe young-and-naive-student-bubble I didn't think about the fact that I'd get other teachers and I could never show him again, how great he was. Or how thankful I was for all the advice I seemed to ignore then. Actually he told me as one of the first people in life, that he believed in me and my skills. And I only grinned.

Looking at him I saw, that he got a new haircut, shorter. He also gained a lot of gray hair. I could see that the years left their signs on his face. After some time he caught my eye. I looked away after a few seconds. I was disappointed. There was no sign of recognition in his look, not even a hint of a smile. That made me sad.

Then I thought back again. After the holidays, I'll be in grade 12. So much time passed. I remembered the first little love letter I wrote in grade 6. I have been eleven then. So this has been a few years ago. What is scary, is, that these few years are nearly a third of my whole life. And I began to feel so old too.

I know, it sounds ridiculous, coming from a 16-year old girl. But it's so confusing. In September I'll collect points for my A-Level in two years. From then on, every day counts and is important for my whole future. If I don't get enough points, I won't be able to study. This whole thing, life, has been totally structured by other humans. They decide what will happen next. I hate it. I hate it, because I feel so lost and alone; with nobody on my side. It's me against the world.

And then I wonder: Where has the little girl from 5^th grade gone so fast?

I know, this is called “growing up”. And I know people say “It's normal to think about such things as a teenager, it will pass”. And they turn their heads and walk away. As if they had never been young and worried before, fearing they wouldn't fit in. Just because some things are normal, it doesn't mean they are less important.

I'm sorry for stealing your time, if you read this.